TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historic society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of put. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have One more position the place American Adult men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Everybody a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he must halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You already know, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a element getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Trump Tower Damascus Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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